I opened my eyes and saw my bedroom ceiling fan in the faint morning light. Another day. I closed my eyes again.
I felt lousy. Tense. Agitated. My whole body ached. Why did I feel anxious? Everything was fine—my family, finances, and friends were all doing well. I had no deadlines looming.
What’s the matter with me, God?
“Turn over your past to Jesus” echoed in my head.
My past? What past? I didn’t have any big unresolved issues to turn over. But I’d lived a long time. As my mind scanned a few of the many places I’d lived and troubles I’d encountered, I felt the weight of lingering regrets.
I could have, should have done that differently. I wish I could go back and undo that mistake.
Somehow I had this vague, haunting feeling that I should still try solve problems that eluded me, fix situations that came out badly, finish unfinishable business. In my mind I knew changing the past was impossible, but in my heart I realized I still felt responsible to do something. What, I didn’t know.
Turning Over Control to Jesus
Years ago, I gave my life to Jesus. Since then, I’ve made a point to give him control over specific areas I found myself holding onto, such as my finances, marriage, kids, and health. I’d never thought of giving him my past, but now it seemed like a good thing to do.
As I started to pray the words, however, I hesitated. Should I really let go of all responsibility to resolve unknown issues in my past? What if there really was something I should do that I was forgetting? Could I really close the door on my past and make a fresh start today? That felt risky. Scary.
But as I thought it through, I realized God could work all my mistakes and tragedies for good. In fact, he was the only one who could. I could trust God to put together all the pieces in my past.
I set my jaw and decided to let it all go.
“Dear God, you know I want everything to work out perfectly, but life is messy. I also know time is relative for you. I hand over my past and trust you to work in the lives of everyone affected by my blunders, or involved in hard situations with me, whether I remember or not.”
I opened my eyes to a brighter room, and felt the dull ache in my chest and body disappear as I relaxed. This new freedom felt good but strange. Did I really dare to grab hold of it and move forward unhindered?
Yes, I did.
I sat up, plopped my feet onto the floor, and breathed in the air of a new day. I felt hopeful and energetic. My tasks at hand looked easier with all my baggage gone.
God had peeled away another layer of anxiety.
I felt free.
Photos courtesy of Crestock
The Never Ending Gifts 